I just spent a few days in bars and restaurants in a place where everyone lives underground. It’s called Toronto. A place so cold that even Olaf from Frozen has migrated South. In fact, it gets so cold in Canada, they actually have hair freezing contests.
Anyways, sitting in a bar, I was privileged to hear this exchange between Fin and Tech.
Fin: “So here we are. You and me. We’ve been talking for a long time. Will you marry me?”
Tech: “But, you don’t understand me!”
Fin: “What do you mean, I don’t understand you. I’ve been talking to you for so long. How come you don’t think I understand you?”
Tech: “Because of the way you act. The way you treat me.”
Fin: “The way I treat you? WTF? I treat you like a fricking Queen!?”
Tech: “No, you don’t. You treat me like a serf. You treat me like I’m one of your many servants. Like I’m beneath you.”
Fin: “No, I don’t? What are you talking about? I’ve always thought you were important. Now I know you’re my Number One. What can I do to convince you of that?”
Tech: “Well, prove I’m Number One.”
Fin: “But I thought I just did that? I asked you to marry me?”
Tech: “I won’t marry you until you prove I’m Number One. I think audit, compliance and regulation is Number One. In fact, I think they’re number one, two and three.”
Fin: “Get out of here. You’re way above them.”
Tech: “Really? Really? Really?”
Fin: “Of course. Why … don’t you believe me?”
Tech: “No, I don’t believe you. I’ve seen what you do with regulation. You flirt with them. You bend over backwards for them. You treat them like they walk on water. You never do that for me.”
Fin: “Oh, come on now. I treat you well.”
Tech: “Sure, you give me a budget and it covers my bills. But you never jump when I say ‘jump’. You just kind of hop a little bit.”
Fin: “Now, you’re not being serious.”
Tech: “OK, so I’m not Number One.”
Fin: “What makes you think compliance is Number One.”
Tech: “Because you always do what she says. She says ‘jump’ and you ask, ‘how high’? You never do that for me.”
Fin: “But you know I have to do what regulations say.”
Tech: “I know that, yes, but it doesn’t mean you have to put her so high on a pedestal that no one can reach up there. What about me? What about our kids?”
Fin: “Kids?”
Tech: “Didn’t I tell you about your apps and APIs?”
Fin: “You’re kidding me. They’re mine?”
Tech: “How could you not know?”
Fin: “Well you didn’t tell me? When did you know?”
Tech: “The day they were born. I told you. You see, you just don’t listen to me.”
Fin: “But, they’re no good. If they were mine, they would be amazing.”
Tech: “Well, you didn’t invest in them enough. I sent them for programming and the budget you gave me was just enough to create good. I asked you for more. I asked you for more commitment. I asked you for more time. You just wouldn’t give it to me.”
Fin: “But, honestly. I gave birth to this?
Tech: “Well, no, you didn’t. I gave birth to this. You just gave me the money.”
Fin: “Like you’re some ho?”
Tech: “Like I’m some ho! You got it.”
Fin: “Well, I have heard that you have also been flirting and running around a bit with Insur, Wealth and Reg.”
Tech: “But they are a part of you. They are part of your family. I was just trying to make you notice me.”
Fin: “I’m sorry. I never knew. You should have told me.”
Tech: “Well, you did know. You just didn’t realise, and you just didn’t look.”
Fin: “What can I do?”
Tech: “Treat me right.”
Fin: “I thought I always treated you right.”
Tech: “No, you didn’t. But, if you can just take your eyes off of that compliance Queen and treat me right, you never know.”
Fin: “You mean, you forgive me.”
Tech: “No, I will never forgive you. But, if you treat me right, then you never know.”
Fin: “Really?”
Tech: “Really.”
Fin: “And all I have to do is treat you best?”
Tech: “No. All you have to do is treat me first.”
Fin: “OK. From now on, you’re the Queen. And your apps and APIs are our kids.”
Tech: “And that compliance thingy?
Fin: “We’ll deal with that when the time comes.”
Tech: “OK. Now, where were you. You were asking me a question?”
Fin: “Oh, yes. Will you marry me?”
Tech: “I’ll think about it.”
Chris M Skinner
Chris Skinner is best known as an independent commentator on the financial markets through his blog, TheFinanser.com, as author of the bestselling book Digital Bank, and Chair of the European networking forum the Financial Services Club. He has been voted one of the most influential people in banking by The Financial Brand (as well as one of the best blogs), a FinTech Titan (Next Bank), one of the Fintech Leaders you need to follow (City AM, Deluxe and Jax Finance), as well as one of the Top 40 most influential people in financial technology by the Wall Street Journal's Financial News. To learn more click here...
