American Excess rather than Express

So I can’t find my American Express Card.

Looked everywhere and it’s lost.

Darnit.

I Google “AMEX lost corporate card”, and find an American telephone number.

Harumph.

So I Google “AMEX lost corporate card UK”, and find the UK 01273 telephone number and call it.

“Hello and welcome to American Express Card Services”, says some automated robot system that sounds a bit like a Scottish oik, “please enter your 15-digit card number”.

I’ve lost my card oik, how am I supposed to know my card number?

So I enter 0#, thinking that should get me through to a human.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that”, says the oik.  “Please enter your 15-digit card number”.

I’ve lost my card wassock; tell me how I get a human being?

So I enter ***, thinking it might work.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.  Please enter your 15-digit card number”.

Why don’t you run into the nearest loch and get eaten by the monster, you annoying  tartan robot?

So I enter 2277839273 for B-A-R-S-T-E-W-A-R-D, and see what happens.

“I’ll put you through to someone who can help”, says the tartan droid.  Now we’re getting somewhere.

“Please choose 1 if you have lost your card, 2 if you just think you’ve lost your card, 3 if you think it has been stolen, 4 if you think it has been stolen by a family member or 5 if you gave it to a shady person in return for illicit goods” …

I press option #1 and get through to a human, yay.

“Hello, you’re through to American Express Customer Service and my name is Alan.”

Brilliant.

“Do you have your American Express Card number?”

No, you automaton scripted idiot, I would have entered the card number if I knew it.

Or that’s what I thought, what I say is, “I’m afraid I don’t, but I think I’ve lost my card”.

“Oh”, says Alan. “In which case, what sort of card do you have?”

I tell him it’s a Corporate Card and Alan apologises, but says he has to transfer me.

Grrrrrr…

Oh no … another automated menu: “Please choose 1 if you have lost your card, 2 if you just think you’ve lost your card …”

I press option #1 and get through to a human again, double yay.

“Hello, you’re through to American Express Corporate Card Customer Service and my name is Julie. Do you have your American Express Card number?”

Bloody scripts.

“No, I don’t and I’m going all around the houses with your automated menus trying to tell you I’ve lost my card.”

“Oh”, says Julie, “what sort of card was it?”

“A corporate card”, says I, “which is why I’m talking to you.”

“Oh”, says Julie, “can you tell me your name?”

Finallly, getting somewhere.

“Yes, it’s Chris Skinner.”

“Thank you”, says Julie.

Then silence as she taps away on a keyboard.

Then a “hmmmm”.

Then a “and what is the company name on the card Mr. Skinner?”

Interesting

“Balatro Limited”, I tell her.

“Thank you”, says Julie.

Then silence as she taps away on a keyboard.

Then a “hmmmm”.

Then a “that’s B, A, L, A, T, R, O is it Mr. Skinner?”

“Yes”, I say.

“Thank you”, says Julie.

Then silence as she taps away on a keyboard.

Then a “hmmmm”.

Then a “are you sure you can’t remember any of your card number Mr. Skinner, as you’re not coming up on our database.”

Now I’m getting mad.

“Look, I can remember a few digits like 3742 something or other, but I can’t remember the card number as I would have entered it at the start and not be in this mess of your system would I.”

“Oh”, says Julie.  “3742 doesn’t sound like one of our corporate cards.”

“Well, 3742 you”, I say. 

“I was only trying to let you know that I think I’ve lost my card”, I say.

“And after all this, if you find major losses on the card, it’s your fault”, I say and hang up.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Calm down.

Ommmmmmmmm ….

Phu, phu, phu, phu …

Mmmmmmmmm …

Calm …

Trees, sunshine, bird song, mountain breeze, bubbling brooks and river streams …

Ommmmmmmmm …

Then, suddenly, aha!

My card number was 3742 618 916 46008, yay!

I ring the 01273 number and try again.

“Hello and welcome to American Express Card Services, please enter your 15-digit card number”.

No problem.

I enter the number and get options for balance checks, recent transactions, etc, and a ‘0’ option for a human.

I press 0 and get through to a human.

“Hello, welcome to American Express Card Services and my name is John.  How can I help you?”

“Hello John”, says I, and proceed to cancel my lost card and order a new one.

The usual excellent service I receive.

At the end I ask John why there were so many issues on the previous call and it turns out I have an American Express Small Business Card, not an American Express Corporate Card.

Go figure …