Ten wild predictions for 2013

Next week, I’ll get back to being Mr. Boring Banking
Blogger, and will focus upon the economic, financial and technological trends
for 2013, as per my usual start to the year.

For today, purely because it’s still the silly season (yes, 12 days of Christmas is still going strong here), I’m going
to make ten mad predictions for 2013. Let’s see if any of these come true.

1. Nicolas Sarkozy
and Silvio Berlusconi make a comeback

This is already underway so it’s not that wild an idea to
imagine these two politicians making a comeback, bearing in mind that politics derives
from the Latin poli which means many, and tics which are blood sucking parasites.

2. Greece bails out Germany

That may sound strange, but Greece has already bailed out Germany.  After all, Germany has tried to control
Europe for over a century and the Greek crisis has provided Germany with the
perfect opportunity to finally gain ubercontrol of the Eurozone.

3. David Cameron dances
an Argentinian Tango

Yes, the Falkland Islands have raised their heads
again.  Thirty years after the War that
saw Thatcher sinking Argie boats, the row continues.  Las
Islas Malvinas son Argentinos … yea, and pigs might fly.

4. Dominic
Strauss-Kahn is jailed

Interestingly he is now more likely to be jailed in France than
in America, having seen charges of pimping being pursued through the French
courts.  Whoever would imagine that the
leader of a major financial organisation could also be a pimp?

5. Barack Obama makes
a guest appearance on the X Factor USA

Although the show is getting dragged down with issues of
bitchiness and hate amongst the judges, what better reason than getting Barack
Obama to come on the show and sing?  After
all, he seems to enjoy a good sing-song …

6. Justin Bieber
grows a beard

Forget being charitable about growing moustaches in
November, Justin Bieber is desperate to be taken seriously as a musician and
singer, so what better way to prove he’s now a man than to grow a beard?  Nice.

7. Apple releases the
iPoo

At this year’s Consumer Electronics Show, the wildly anticipated
Apple Toilet is announced for release late in 2013.  The iPoo is remarkable as it allows you to
spend hours on the toilet not only reading, but having a true entertainment
experience, including everything from full surround sound movies to a total
colonic irrigation.  

Photo sourced from unofficial release website for the iPoo

8. Kate has twins

Everyone is saying that this is going to happen, ever since
she was diagnosed with acute morning sickness. 
It wasn’t that cute, but women who suffer from hyperemesis gravidarum are
more likely to have twins than those who just have normal morning sickness.

9. The Queen hands the
Crown to Prince William

According to reputable American publication The Globe, she’s already planned this. 

The article itself is pretty scandalous and far-fetched.  Here are a few excerpts:

Dying Queen Elizabeth
is keeping her promise to make Prince William Britain’s next King now that his beautiful
wife, Kate, is expecting twins … William and Kate will become King and Queen
soon after their babies come into the world in the summer.  ‘You filled my last days with joy’, an
insider says the Queen told Kate.  ‘Now
the Queen is praying she can survive until the babies are born.’

The Globe has claimed for a while that the Queen is dying
and that Camilla is causing problems.  In
this article they add a final flourish that the Queen’s decision has created a
major rift between the family, as Charles’s scheming
wife Camilla threatens a $50 million divorce lawsuit if he does not become
King.  According to The Globe’s insider: “She’s
still obsessed with Charles winning the Throne so she can sit at his side as
his Queen.”

Yea, yea, yea.  So,
just to finish with a truly wild prediction:

10. Banks become
moral

After all the controversy of 2012, 2013 will see banks get
back to new business as usual where there is no greed, no arrogance, no skeletons
in the closet and no negative headlines. 
Just good, honest banking.