It’s Thursday so the banks will open

Theo Ousalotmoney: OK
guys, time to open the bank.

Brancho Tellerous:
Oxi (no) … we have no money.

Theo: Waddya
mean, we have no money? We are a bank?

Tellerous: Yes
sir, but we are a Cypriot Bank.

Theo: So?

Tellerous: That
means we’re broke.

Theo: No we’re
not as we’re not Greek.  We’re Russian.

Tellerous: You
think we’re Russian?

Theo: Sure.  Greek-Russian Cypriots.  It’s like the Church.  Greek, but in Russia.

Tellerous: I think
you are slightly deluded sir.  We is
European.

Theo: European?  Since when?

Tellerous: Since
we joined the European Union.

Theo: We joined
the European Union?

Tellerous: Yes
sir.  Didn’t you notice?

Theo: Not
really.  I thought we were Russian.

Tellerous: Well,
you could be easily mistaken sir.  We
have a lot Russian money.

Theo: Exactly.  A quarter of our bank vault is in Russian
roubles.

Tellerous: That
does not make us Russian sir.  We is
European.

Theo: Since when?

Tellerous: Since
we joined the euro sir.

Theo: We use the
euro?  I thought we was drachma?

Tellerous: No, we
dropped drachma for euro back in 2008.         

Theo: We is euro?

Tellerous: Yes
sir.  We use the euro.

Theo: So what
does that mean?

Tellerous: It
means we owe the European Central Bank a ton of cash.

Theo: We do?

Tellerous: We do.

Theo: Like how much?

Tellerous: About €5.8 billion.

Theo: How much is that?

Tellorous: About $7.5 billion.

Theo: No, in roubles man, in roubles.

Tellourous: Oh yes. 
Around 230 billion roubles sir.

Theo: Oooooooo.

Tellerous: Although
technically we don’t owe them that much.

Theo: What do you
mean?

Tellerous: Well,
that’s how much we will owe them, if they bail us out.

Theo: We is being
bailed out?

Tellerous: Yes, sir.

Theo: Why is we
being bailed out?

Tellerous: Well,
we’re broke.

Theo: But we’s
got lots of Russian money.

Tellerous: Yes
sir, but we owe billions because of Greece.

Theo: But we is
not Greek or Turk or Cypriot … we is Russian.

Tellerous: Ok
sir, if you say so.

 

For more:

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• Euro ministers urge Cyprus rethink
• Eurocrats engage in Cyprus blame game
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• Cyprus bailout: 'If the Russians leave, the island will be destroyed'
• Cyprus votes down plan to tax ordinary savers

• Cyprus economy is 'on the brink'
• Cyprus 'to present new bailout plan'
• Cyprus risks euro exit after EU bailout ultimatum